The V. best and worst ‘side effects’ of menopause from someone who is in the thick of it
A personal essay
Menopause. There I said it. The ‘M’ word. You know that deep, dark, misunderstood 9-letter whisper in a woman’s life where, well you know, things change. Her body changes. Her hormones change. Her moods change. Her metabolism changes. Her outlook on life changes. And oh yea, her age changes. These changes, or what I like to refer to as ‘side effects’ are really really real (did I say really?). While some of them may feel ‘fake’— like in your head fake, the chemical deficiencies i.e. loss of estrogen, actually cause some [really] real shit.
Historically, there was a time when menopause was dismissed, ignored or perhaps merely just misunderstood. In fact, menopause was actually considered a ‘disease’ in the early 20th century. That being said, I am not sure why a ‘cure’ wasn’t found since millions of women ‘contract’ it and have for thousands of years. Unfortunately though, it has taken a very long time to be assessed, addressed, researched, managed and treated. And finally now, everyone is talking about it. Maybe because we gals are living longer and finally demanding some real answers, attention and remedies. It is not surprising that this new ‘menopause movement’ is being led by women despite the fact that the word ‘men’ is in menopause!. Alas, in this case it is not about men at all. Menopause derives from the Greek roots meaning month and pause, which I guess makes sense since our monthly cycle pauses—albeit permanently. If it were in fact about men, I am sure there would have been a ‘cure’ a long time ago! #viagra
Which brings us back to now. Believe it or not, I know some women who are actually eager to reach menopause, to finally be rid of their monthly cycle. Others (like me), find it to be a painful reminder of (insert sad face) getting older. And, while I appreciate that my tubes, ovaries, and uterus are now able to rest & relax after working so hard during my child-bearing years, I wonder is ‘ovarian retirement’ meant to be a reward for all their hard work, or some sort of lingering punishment because Eve ate Adam’s apple…?
Forget about Eve, let’s talk about Estrogen. Without it, not only can we no longer conceive or bear children, there are also a plethora of physical, mental and emotional changes that we must now endure as well —back to what I had originally referred to as “side effects.”
So, here are my top V. most annoying ‘side effects’ of menopause.
i. The Hot Flash. A sudden, intense feeling of warmth. A reddening of the face. Lots of moisture (ugh) or rather dripping sweat. I happen to get the ones where my entire body looks and feels like I just walked out of a [real} hot yoga studio. And then, we can’t can’t forget those nightly sweats resulting in wet bed sheets and not to be forgotten those icy chills that follow. Again and again and again. Then, all we do is talk about them. If you are having hot flashes, you are either explaining or complaining about what is happening to your body. Personally, I am sort of fascinated by them. In real time, what triggers them, how long they last, and why they happen. At times, can we bring them on ourselves? Sometimes when I get excited, nervous, startled, elated or sad---whatever emotion literally accelerates my brain or heart quickly ---a hot flash will present itself. Hmmm. Regardless, no matter how, why, where, who, what or when, I would say that those hot flashes are pretty annoying.
ii. The Malfunctioned Metabolism. This one really hurts. No matter how much or how little we eat, fast, exercise, run, tone, burn, barre, HIIT, sweat, diet, or keto (if that is even a verb), it just doesn’t matter. Believe me, I do all of the above. Once you get to be a certain age/stage (either peri-menopause or full blown menopause), your metabolism goes down the [fallopian] tubes. We have experienced it. When Aunt Flo stops her monthly visit your estrogen dries UP and your metabolism slows DOWN. Plus, it all goes the belly. And, you are not even pregnant or bloated! This particular side effect is more than annoying —-it is downright depressing.
iiI. The Mental Meltdown. I don’t know if it is chemical or psychological or age or stage, but I do think many of us in menopause experience some form of a mental meltdown (meltdown NOT breakdown). For me, it is emotional not erratic. Like a semi-ongoing sadness mixed with dash of short-term anxiety and a pinch of light boredom. This is not a recipe for full blown depression or emotional distress, but just a general feeling of being down, kinda bummed or maybe/even hungry for something else/more. It is definitely different from the emotional irritability or ups and downs associated with monthly menstruation cycles.. I suspect that it may be a combination of decreasing hormones as well as the real time realization that your life may be [kinda/sorta,] half ‘over’. And, these mental meltdowns are really [sadly] really real.
iv. The Vaginal Dysfunction (VD). It is not just vaginal dryness that is a problem. It is also vaginal disengagement. VD stands for a lot of vaginal stuff! So, what the hell am I talking about? Well, the disengagement part is the action or process of withdrawing from involvement in a particular activity or situation; an emotional (or physical) detachment (insert sad emoji) from yup, your vagina or vagina related activities. Both of theses “vaginal dysfunctions” are unwelcomed side effects of menopause. Before moving on, I must admit that some of these VDs I made up based on conversations with some of my liked minded meno-peeps. To my knowledge, there is no official the term called VAGINAL DISENGAGEMENT or VAGINAL DYSFUNCTION in any women’s health journals (that I know of). But, fortunately for everyone affected with any kind of the aforementioned VDs, there are products (medication, lubricants, toys + gadgets) and content (romance novels, porn, fifty shades) that can [hopefully] get those mechanics functioning again. Not to mention, re-engaging and re-connecting with your loved one or partner, trusting that you can kick-start it together.
v. The Getting Older Part.. Some don’t mind it. Some even embrace it. But, those other physical side effects like graying hair, aging bones, sagging boobs and crinkle skin are not particularly welcomed—ever. I used to say it is not about your actual age, it is about a life stage. But, truth be told the aging process is not particularly kind, especially to women. While there are ways to combat some of those aforementioned physical ‘side effects’ —-a good colorist, dermatologist, plastic surgeon, some serious supplements, sweat and a good ol’ Mediterranean diet, the psychological ones are a bit harder to grapple with. The reality of getting older is literally scary to many (both men & women). When we look back and say where did the last 30 years go and/or will we make it another [healthy] 30 years? Watching our kids grow up and move out. Winding down our careers. Downsizing our homes. I know these are all cliches, but they are still pretty real. Fortunately as a society and gender, we are embracing a healthier lifestyle, and as a result of that and so many medical advances, we are living longer. As a result, we are also reinventing our careers well into our 50’s and 60’s, maybe buying a second home or at least investing in some really great travel experiences or new hobbies. To sum it all up though, it mostly stings when I am referred to as ma’am!
And, here are my top V. most pleasant ‘side effects’ of menopause.
First, let me define pleasant. While the various definitions and synonyms of the word pleasant are very positive, like enjoyable, pleasing, satisfying et al. The word pleasant to me feels more like ‘nice’ or ‘fine’ or just ‘ok.’ But, I chose pleasant because it felt like the most benign antonym for the word annoying. What I am really trying to share here are the five “pleasantries” that accompany menopause.
And, they all start with No More…
i. No more periods. No more tampons. No more leaks. No more ruining white jeans. I digress. Funny true story. I have told it many times. During my ‘youth’ and really throughout my young-to-mid adulthood, for some reason I was terribly embarrassed about buying tampons. Probably something to discuss with my therapist. Anyway, my face would get red as I tried to hide the box/boxes in the shopping basket/cart almost as if they were contraband. I would pray not to bump into anyone I knew, or even worse, have a male cashier. It seems so crazy that my husband was more comfortable picking up tampons for me than I was purchasing them for myself. But, then it all changed. Some time between ages 48-53. I was so stoked that I was still receiving mother nature’s gift (yes, regualry through year 53), that I would literally skip down the ‘menstrual products’ aisle, rather loudly and deliberately select a variety of SKUs (Super, Super Plus) and carry one box in each hand. I would then wander around the store hoping to bump into anyone I knew, so that they too could observe that YES, I AM STILL GETTING MY PERIOD! When it came time to check out, I was even hopeful that it would be a nice young fellow giving me change!
ii. No more pain. No more cramps. No more migraine headaches (if you are susceptible). No more sore boobs. No more monthly pelvic tenderness and bloat —though I seem to be bloated daily now.
iii. No more whoops. No more more conception. Nope. Can’t get preggers. So, have as much unprotected sex as you want (IF you want). Public Service Announcement…you can still get STI’s and UTI’s so be mindful of how much and with whom!
iv. No more sexy? No problem. Meaning, if you don’t feel sexy, then you don’t need to try. Just sleep in yoga pants. Your partner will deal and probably won’t even notice.
v. No more faults. It’s not your problem. In fact, you can blame everything on being in menopause! Too hot. Too cold. Too tired. Too fat. Too unmotivated. Too busy. Too angry. Too bored. Too confused. Everything that you can’t quite accomplish, finish, feel or be can be blamed on menopause. It’s not your fault!
vi. [BONUS.] Yes more. So, here is the actual good (or rather, pleasant) side effect of finally being in menopause. By the time you are in the thick of it, arguably you are more wise + more smart + more experienced + more confident + more self-aware + more financially secure + more mature + more selfless + more patient + more appreciative + more grateful + more in-touch + more in-tune.
So, live more, spend more, laugh more, love more, enjoy more!
This personal essay was written without the consent or review of a medical doctor and is meant to be entertainment | enjoyment, not professional advice or service.
Verbena does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment and is not a medical provider. Discuss all/any menopause symptoms, questions or concerns with your personal doctor.
If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor or 911 immediately.